A Little Transparency
I've been thinking a lot about my identity lately. It started when I finally eked out a three mile run this month (it hasn't happened again since thanks to Teething Tiny). I told the Man that now I felt that I could legitimately call myself a runner again instead of just saying I was "trying" to run. He said that was ridiculous. I couldn't disagree, but it felt that way.
It got me thinking though about who I am and how I see myself (and how those two things are not necessarily the same thing). The truth is if anyone had told me I would be an Air Force wife and stay at home mother of two at 25 I would've told them they had the wrong girl. When they reassured me that they didn't, I would have informed them that at least I would have written a New York Times bestseller with all the free time I would have staying at home. Yeah, about that... I don't even manage to blog weekly, much less write a novel.
I would never have imagined myself in the second round of taking off 50 pounds of pregnancy weight or that my stomach could be mistaken for a road map thanks to all the stretch marks. I would never have imagined that my housekeeping Super Power would turn out to be baking and definitely not cleaning. I would never have imagined that I would have an SUV but make my baby food from scratch, buy disposable diapers but use vinegar as my main cleaning product. I would never have understood how much I could love my husband and my kids and yet still struggle with being who and where I am.
But then I think, maybe it's not about me at all. Maybe it's about the moment-by-moment obedience that in and of itself is Pure Grace when I think about it, because I don't have the strength to be obedient when looking at the big picture but saying Yes in the small finds me with an incredible husband and two awesomely hilarious sons. Saying Yes in the small brings life long friendships and growth, no matter how seemingly insignificant. Saying Yes in the small teaches me lessons and gives me gifts that I would not have understood or appreciated five years ago.
I'll close with this. Madeleine L'Engle once journaled, "I talk to people--oh, people I respect, people I like--and yet I never feel any sense of terrific excitement in their own lives about Jesus, in the way that the early Christians must have been excited so that they were transfigured by Jesus. In no one, no one, no matter how loudly they talk about salvation being possible through Jesus, do I find this great thing showing in them, glowing in them, lighting their lives, as it must if it is to make any sense today at all." I'm challenged. And humbled. Because it doesn't matter if I'm a SAHM in the middle of Oklahoma or a missionary writer in a third world country, this is the end goal: to be so in love with Him that there is no other option but to overflow with Him. And when that happens, it stops being about our identity and starts becoming about His.
It got me thinking though about who I am and how I see myself (and how those two things are not necessarily the same thing). The truth is if anyone had told me I would be an Air Force wife and stay at home mother of two at 25 I would've told them they had the wrong girl. When they reassured me that they didn't, I would have informed them that at least I would have written a New York Times bestseller with all the free time I would have staying at home. Yeah, about that... I don't even manage to blog weekly, much less write a novel.
I would never have imagined myself in the second round of taking off 50 pounds of pregnancy weight or that my stomach could be mistaken for a road map thanks to all the stretch marks. I would never have imagined that my housekeeping Super Power would turn out to be baking and definitely not cleaning. I would never have imagined that I would have an SUV but make my baby food from scratch, buy disposable diapers but use vinegar as my main cleaning product. I would never have understood how much I could love my husband and my kids and yet still struggle with being who and where I am.
But then I think, maybe it's not about me at all. Maybe it's about the moment-by-moment obedience that in and of itself is Pure Grace when I think about it, because I don't have the strength to be obedient when looking at the big picture but saying Yes in the small finds me with an incredible husband and two awesomely hilarious sons. Saying Yes in the small brings life long friendships and growth, no matter how seemingly insignificant. Saying Yes in the small teaches me lessons and gives me gifts that I would not have understood or appreciated five years ago.
I'll close with this. Madeleine L'Engle once journaled, "I talk to people--oh, people I respect, people I like--and yet I never feel any sense of terrific excitement in their own lives about Jesus, in the way that the early Christians must have been excited so that they were transfigured by Jesus. In no one, no one, no matter how loudly they talk about salvation being possible through Jesus, do I find this great thing showing in them, glowing in them, lighting their lives, as it must if it is to make any sense today at all." I'm challenged. And humbled. Because it doesn't matter if I'm a SAHM in the middle of Oklahoma or a missionary writer in a third world country, this is the end goal: to be so in love with Him that there is no other option but to overflow with Him. And when that happens, it stops being about our identity and starts becoming about His.
