Back on the Horse
When you get back to work on something after a long and unexpected reprieve, there’s the temptation to offer excuses and wallow in “should’ve”s. You know what I mean.
Here’s an example that’s not at all based in reality: I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written on this blog, but I’m back now after three months of *insert most believable excuse (*homeschooling slayed me, I used all my words teaching, I decided to try for the Guinness World Record of Most Dumb Novels Read Over the Space of Two Months, the children have duck taped me to a chair and are holding me hostage, the Man distracted me momentarily with his mustache).
What we’re really saying in this moment when we offer our excuses is that we desperately need someone to tell us that the choice we made has their approval, both the choice to stop work and the choice to come back to it. What we’re saying is that we should’ve been better or different or stronger or more efficient, that we should’ve been more than we were—and we think everyone else knows it and is judging us for it. Even if we would never judge someone else so harshly, we assume that we are deserving of being judged in such a way.
And then in the back of our minds we also have the niggling thought: what if I get back to work and then I quit again? That makes me look like even more of a failure! It makes me look lazy and inconsistent and irresponsible! How could I possibly do that to myself? It would be better just to not start again.
Today, if you, like me, are getting back on the horse, I’d like to say this: none of that matters. It doesn’t matter what excuse you have or don’t have. It doesn’t matter if other people approve or not. It doesn’t even matter if you start back up only to have to quit again. None of that matters.
And if you need some proof, I’d like to point you to the story of Jesus and his three closest friends praying in the garden of Gethsemane. I said praying, but really, Jesus was the only one praying. His friends started praying and then fell asleep. He woke them up so they could start praying again, which they probably did (at least momentarily), and then they fell asleep…again. He kept praying and the third time he found them sleeping, he didn’t even bother to wake them up.
Now, let me tell you what’s not in the story: Jesus’ friends offering excuses, Jesus berating or shaming them, the friends deciding that they should never try to pray again. Nope, none of that stuff happens.
Was Jesus disappointed? Sure. Did he wish they’d made a different choice? Quite possibly. Did the disciples also wish they’d made a different choice? Pretty much guaranteed. Were they ashamed of their inability to stay awake and pray with Jesus (especially in retrospect)? Likelihood is high.
But they didn’t throw in the towel altogether. (Side note: sorrynotsorry for “throw in the towel” and “get back on the horse”—I taught a lesson on idioms today. Carry on.) There were other days and other prayers and other failures and other restarts.
Because that’s life. It really is. I say this to myself often enough: I am not a machine. (And neither are you.) But the truth is that even machines wear down and need maintenance and have to shut down and restart. And no one puts them on a guilt trip for it. Also, there’s a reason that the first question the IT guy asks is, “Well, did you try restarting it?”
So today if you, like me, are picking up a plate that got dropped (idioms! I’m telling you!), this is your gentle reminder:
You don’t need anyone’s approval.
You don’t have to offer anyone any excuses.
You don’t have to wallow in guilt.
You don’t have to worry about the (very real) possibility that you might need to quit again (and also, potentially, restart again later).
Today, just take the step you need to take, do the work you need to do…and hold really, really loosely in your hands what happened before and what might happen later.
Then, maybe, think of it less as starting over and more as just showing up. Showing up today. Yesterday and tomorrow can take care of themselves, but today: we show up.
