End of Year Spiritual Braking
It took me a bit before I could finally put a finger on how I was feeling about the impending end of the year. And then it came to me in a flash of revelation.
You know that feeling you get when someone else is driving and they’re changing lanes like a maniac and rounding turns on two tires and blowing through orange lights like they have a woman in labor in the car with them? That feeling when you’re sitting in the passenger seat desperately ramming your foot against the nonexistent brake, hoping that if you press hard enough, maybe it’ll psychically affect the driver and they will stop driving like a bat out of the hot place?
That. That’s how I’ve been feeling these final weeks of the year. Desperate to slow down. Frantically trying to press pause. Muttering under my breath, “Stop the year, I want to get off!”
And no, it’s not that I want to camp out in 2021; it’s just that it’s gone by so very quickly. It’s like we blinked and all of a sudden 2022 is knocking at the door, bouncing with excitement, bubbling over with effervescence.
And no, it’s not that I’m dreading 2022. It’s just that I can’t quite wrap my mind around the fact that it’s already here. It’s as if I’ve had four weeks worth of back-to-back guests and the sheets have just been washed and the bathroom wiped down and all of a sudden, here’s someone new! A friend! Who I like! But wow, am I peopled out!
Maybe you’re not feeling this way. Maybe you’re dreading 2022. Maybe you’re more than ready for 2021 to be over. Maybe it’s just another day, another week, and you really think I should get over myself.
But if you’re in the same boat, maybe you’ve been trying the same things I’ve been trying (the things all the self care people tell you to do)—slow down, curate quiet, rest. And maybe you’ve found that it’s not helping you either.
This week, when I finally figured out how I was feeling, I challenged myself to really think about who was driving the car. And no, this is not the moment we all start belting Carrie Underwood while a light breeze ripples through our perfectly blown out blonde tresses and movie lighting accentuates our cowboy boots. I needed to think about who was driving the car because that changes how I respond as passenger.
When my husband is driving (occasionally like a maniac), I can close my eyes and grip the “oh-crap” handle and trust that he’s taken defensive driving classes and that most likely we’ll survive. Alternatively, when he’s not driving like a maniac, I can actually enjoy the view (a win in my book).
When my sister is driving, I take a nap so that I sleep through her yelling at other drivers and seeing how close she can get to running out of gas.
When I’m driving, half the time these days I’m having a panic attack, so—just saying— having control does not fix the issue for me.
But when it comes to our lives (Jesus, take the wheel), we know who’s really driving the show. So we have to ask ourselves, is He worth trusting?
It’s easy for me to grip the spiritual “oh-crap” handle and shriek at Him to slow down. It’s easy for me to squinch my eyes up and pretend like I’m not actually in a car potentially hurtling toward an abyss. It’s easy to convince myself that if I were the one driving, it wouldn’t be quite so nerve wracking (it still would be—I’m a horrendous driver).
It’s not easy for me to remember that the One at the wheel is not only excellent at what He does, but He also loves me: deeply, persistently, whole heartedly.
And He’s not over there yelling at me like a friend on a roller coaster, “Open your eyes! Put your hands in the air! Isn’t this fun!”
No. He knows this isn’t always easy for us. But I think He does wish that we could find it in ourselves to open our eyes and enjoy the view, not just of the scenery flying by, but of Himself in the driver’s seat: calm, compassionate, utterly competent.
I think He knows that if we could do that, we might be surprised by how much more we enjoy the ride…instead of sitting in the spiritual passenger seat trying to ram down on a brake petal that, really, does absolutely nothing.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
