Where Have You Been All My Life?!

Once, a long time ago, I became friends with a woman whom I had known for quite some time. We had known each other, but we had not been friends although I hadn’t really noticed. She had noticed and was suffering from the unfortunate delusion that it was because I was Super Awesome and Way Too Together for Her (the irony isn’t lost on me that I’m writing this on a day when I bullied my eldest son into getting lunch for me so that I didn’t have to drag my energy depleted body from the living room to the kitchen—I’m so awesome…so together). Once she finally realized that I wasn’t going to go away (since I was too delusional to notice that we weren’t really friends), she became my actual friend, which was so much more fulfilling than the not-actually-friend space that we had been inhabiting before, and I finally saw what I had been missing.

We are still close friends to this day.

Once, not such a long time ago, I heard a knock at my door and found a young woman standing on my front mat asking if my dog had gotten out. He hadn’t. But within five minutes (give or take a couple days), we’d discovered we had a mutual friend from half a world away, and I had invited her to spend a snow day with us, drinking cocoa by the fire. She’d lived in the neighborhood for six months. We’d been there for five. We only had seven more together, but we made every week of it count.

She’s coming to visit me next week.

Once, say about last month, I met a woman who had just moved to the area. We struck up a conversation, and she ended up swinging by my house and hanging out while our kids rampaged for over three hours. Now I text her random funny updates during the day and we share with each other things that we’re learning and she tries not to make fun of me for my walking zombie routine (I’m really very good at it—I don’t even have to try!). I’m still learning all the things about her, but I already know that her friendship is something nourishing in my life.

I’ll let you know when she gets sick of me.

Last week I read two books that I should’ve read years ago, books that made me go “Where have you been all my life?” Some books just feel like old friends. One of the books was by an author I’d never even heard of (and now I’ve binge-read almost everything of hers I can find), but the other was a book I’ve purposefully bypassed because the cover is just…meh. And man, am I kicking myself for not having read that book years ago.

And here’s the thing, I read a lot of books (stop laughing at that understatement), and not all of them are great. Some books are decent and some books are a waste of my time and some books are what I need for a specific season and some books are beautiful or well written or challenging and some books are so heartbreakingly perfect that I never want to write another word myself (because the standards will never be met). But I don’t always read great books and think “Where have you been all my life?!” Most of the time, I’m just grateful to have read them when I read them, and that’s that. And the reality is that I have to slog through more than a few less-than-ideal reads before I get to the good ones.

But some books feel like old friends. They speak not just to a specific moment or a certain aspect of our personality, but to who we are at the core so naturally, these books won’t be the same for everyone. They would depend on who you are. And you may not even realize that you’re missing out on one of these key life books until you manage to read it.

The thing is, as I think about “Where Have You Been All My Life” Books, I wonder how often this same concept carries over to our relationships. I’ve met a lot of people. Some are kind and some are funny and some teach me things that I need to learn. Some are just not my cup of tea (and I think that’s okay too). Some are exactly what I need during a specific season in life.

And sometimes, I find myself in the middle of a conversation and discover an unexpected connection, the feeling that I’ve been friends with this person for far longer than we’ve known each other, the serendipitous moment of sensing that I’ve been waiting for ages for what this person has to offer me (and what I have to offer in turn).

Sometimes this happens with a stranger but sometimes it’s the acquaintance you’ve never really known (assuming that they wouldn’t like you or that the two of you would have nothing in common or that you simply are not in the same league) only to discover, accidentally, that she is a kindred spirit and all those months or years you wasted not being friends are simply inexcusable.

You wish you’d met them as a true friend long ago.

And here’s the truth, just as there is no shortage of books, so there is no shortage of potential friends. But just as we have to pick up a book and read it (even if its cover is atrocious, even if there are other books to be read) to determine if it’s a good fit for us, so we will never find out if a person could be our new best friend unless we give them the opportunity.

It’s only when we open ourselves up to a new friendship that we enable the possibility of finding someone we could’ve been friends with all along.

Part of the trouble is that we waste so much time.

Some of it is sheer exhaustion. Some of it is shyness. Some of it is fear. Some of it is that we are very comfortable with our current friendships (or our current book choices, as the case may be). A good portion of it is making assumptions about ourselves and about other people (and we all know what they say about assuming things). Some of it is that there is a plethora of friend choices out there (and where do we even begin?!).

But after move number I’ve-lost-count, I feel confident in telling you that sometimes you need to drive to the library and pick a book or five off the shelf—because you never know what book will surprise you—and sometimes you need to start a conversation with someone new (or invite them over for coffee or offer to meet them at the pool)—even if you think you have enough friends or even if you don’t actually like people or even if you think they won’t like you or even if the thought of doing so makes you want to slam your head into a wall—just because there is always the possibility that person could be your new best friend.

We just don’t know: we could find ourselves saying, “Where have you been all my life?”

But that will never happen if we don’t start the conversation, send the invitation, ask the next question. It will never happen if we don’t open up that book to see what we’ve been missing.

And the truth is not only could they be your new best friend but you could be their new best friend too. Which is a pretty incredible thought.