An Open Letter to the Ambiverts Among Us

Dear Introvert who can pass for an Extrovert (and vice versa),

This is the last one. I promise.

When I was in college, I had a Spanish professor teach us the words “introvertido” and “extrovertido” before having us use them in a sentence, introducing ourselves to the class as either extroverts or introverts. Easy, right? Yes, until I made the crucial mistake of introducing myself as an introvert. Oh no, that wouldn’t do for my Spanish professor, who—admittedly—loved me. I was definitely an extrovert in her book. I laughed and tried to explain that just because I came equipped with social skills and the ability to carry on a complete conversation didn’t mean I was an extrovert, but eventually I gave up and just let her think what she wanted to think. It was no skin off my nose.

Then, a few years ago, I had a friend who introduced me to the word “ambivert”—someone who might have a tendency towards introversion or extroversion but could pass for either, and I thought to myself: that is an excellent word. I will keep that.

Because ambiversion is something I see every day in my own home.

I have a wonderful husband (happy birthday, babe!) who has a job that requires him to people (yes, that’s a verb) all day long. And he does. He goes to meeting after meeting after meeting and is fully present and uses eye contact like a boss and makes jokes and smiles (unless he’s definitely not making jokes and smiling), and then he comes home and crashes. On the surface, he looks like an extrovert. But his extroversion has an expiration date.

Side note: I do the same thing on the days I teach and socialize. When we lived in the RV, I would come home from our homeschool co-op and sit on the closed toilet for twenty minutes of blissful alone time. The kids knew better than to interrupt it.

Here’s the thing about ambiverts… With extroverts, you have to remind them that sometimes they really do need to slow down and stay home. With introverts, yeah, we have to tell them to put on their big girl pants and show up. But for those of us who are ambiverts, what we need the most is the reminder that just because we can be all things to all people doesn’t mean we should be all things to all people.

There are limitations—we have limitations—and that’s okay. Just because we can force ourselves to go to all the things and talk to all the people, doesn’t mean we should.

As an ambivert, it might be more important for us to hear that we need regular reminders of our priorities. {If you don’t even know what your priorities are, maybe start there first.} But once we know what our priorities are, we can’t assume that they’re going to conveniently stay in the right order without any effort on our part. Nope, we’re going to have to revisit them almost every time we make decisions about how our time needs to be spent…and make sure that our choices are lining up with what we say we care about.

Every day, I have to choose between writing/planning/working/resting and spending purposeful time with people. And there is no one right answer. One day the answer is well-spent alone time. The next day the answer is well-spent people time. The only way the decision gets made is by remembering what matters.

On my list of priorities I have both “using my gifts” (which requires me to stay home and work) and “loving my neighbor well” (which means getting off my rear and going and being social—except for the times that I talk people into coming to my couch so I don’t actually have to do the getting up part). Remembering my priorities allows me to say no to social activities that don’t actually involve loving my neighbor. Remembering my priorities allows me to say yes to doing what I need even if other people don’t understand.

Setting my priorities and holding them where I can see them helps me tease out not just what I legitimately want to do (even if it’s hard), but also what I’m called to do and what I’ve been uniquely gifted to do. There are many things many of us can do, but there are a handful of things only I can (I’m the only one who can be wife to my husband, mom to my kids, writer of my thoughts…you understand what I’m saying).

I have to know what matters to me and why—and then I have to make decisions by holding those priorities in front of my face until they poke me in the eye and make me pay attention.

So, Ambivert, let me leave you with this simple statement, and then a question to carry with you. Just because you can do it, doesn’t mean you should do it. What really matters to you?

And may we let those words slap us in the face with startling regularity.

Here’s to recovering from a long day of peopling with a cup of tea and a good book (instead of having to hide in the restroom).

Yours,

PS One more time: happy birthday to my favorite ambivert. I’m so proud of you for inviting friends over for dinner after a long day at work. Look at you and your bad self.