How to Live a Stress Free Life: a Military Wife’s Rebuttal
When I was twelve, my family came back to the States for a few months to get my oldest sister settled in college. While we were here, we ended up at a conference where my class of third culture kids (TCKs) were given stress level assessments. We received a list of common stressors, each with an assigned numerical point value, that would help us see the cumulative effect of stress in our lives. We added a certain number of points for a death in the family, another number for a move, another number for dealing with a lost friendship, and so on.
As my fellow TCKs and I handed in our results, we watched our teacher’s eyes bulge slightly at the tallies at the bottom of our pages. We were dealing with incredibly high rates of stress as pre-teens, rates of stress we assumed to be normal.
I think about that test often as a military wife, and I thought about it a few months ago when I read an article about how to live a stress free life. An author I regularly follow suggested the article, and I thought to myself: you know, it’s true, I do have a high stress level; maybe I can learn something new. I also am regularly asked by other military wives how to better handle stress and rarely feel like I have helpful answers for them.
Then I read the article, and I laughed, and I laughed, and I laughed. But I still spent months thinking about it before I actually sat down to write this.
Let me say this on the front end, I in no way intend this as a criticism of the author, her intent, or her article. It is my acknowledgement that for military spouses (or for TCKs or for moms of special need children or for pretty much any human experience that is outside of “normal”), our stress levels look different—which means the ways we have to respond must also be different.
Sometimes it’s a cat along for the move; sometimes it’s an obscene amount of stress.
So here we go. The original article’s stress-free suggestions and my responses to them.
Stop over-analyzing situations that haven’t happened.
Fair enough. But consider this: sometimes the over-analyzing helps you come up with a plan and then the six back up plans you’re going to need when the military keeps changing things around on you.
Don’t take on other people’s problems.
Also, sure, but sometimes we need to. This is part of being in community. This year, our homeschool co-op had a problem: I took on part of it and, in doing so, created new problems for myself that my friends then stepped up and helped take care of. This isn’t an isolated event.
When the Man was deployed and Littles was born with a club foot, I couldn’t get him in to a doctor, and the Man’s commander stepped in and made it his problem and found us a solution. When the Man was deployed and I got put on bed rest with the twins, my friends stepped in and made it their problem, figuring out how to take care of me and the boys and the unborn babies. When the Man had a year of near constant travel and I couldn’t leave my five tiny kids by themselves to go run, my neighbor stepped in and made it her problem, coming over a couple times a week to hang out with my kids during breakfast so I could squeeze in a couple miles.
Sometimes we take on each other’s problems. Thank God for that.
Get present in the moment.
Yeah, I literally just talked about this struggle on the blog. And it’s another “sure, but”. We’re not moving for another three months, but there are things that have to be done now. Part of living in the moment involves looking several months ahead right now. This is reality.
Focus on what you have, not what you don’t.
Yep, however, sometimes we have to do the hard work of figuring out what we don’t have at a new base and then deciding whether or not we need it. On the surface, focusing on what you have is excellent advice. But hold it loosely with wisdom. Sometimes there are things worth fighting for.
Follow a steady routine.
This is when I started laughing. You try having a steady routine when you move every two years! And I will be upfront about the fact that I am routine driven. I work hard to be consistent in the things that matter, but there is stress when those routines are thrown off—and there is no way to keep them from being thrown off other than to say, “Hey, babe, we’ve had a good run, but when you move next, I think the kids and I are just going to stay here.” Which would still throw off routine. Ironically.
Be realistic, is all I’m saying. Schedules get chucked out the window with startling regularity for the military spouse. It is both inevitable and not the end of the world.
Take a good self-care.
Grammar aside (what does that mean? a good self-care?), yes but also no. It’s not good self-care to do what we do. It just isn’t. It’s hard on our bodies, and its hard on our hearts. No amount of bubble baths will take that away. And during PCS season or deployments or back-to-back-to-back TDYs, self care can feel like it’s imploded. We prioritize what is possible (and if you struggle in this area and want a different perspective, this might be worth reading), but at the end of the day the big ticket items are what matter: how is my relationship with God? with my husband? with my kids? Is everyone still alive and loved and cared for? Okay, then regardless of what else is happening, we are all okay.
Stop surrounding yourself with people who don’t make you happy.
No. Strong disagreement. And here’s why: does my husband always make me happy? No (although he’s not too shabby). My kids? Nope (hysterical laughter). My friends? Most of the time, but I’ll be moving soon and having to find a whole new set. Happy is not the goal. It’s a great by-product, not gonna lie, but it cannot be the goal.
Now, do I want to always be around negative, draining people? Of course not. But neither can I say, “You know what? My key spouse doesn’t make me happy. Neither does my doctor. Neither does my pastor. I think I’m just going to opt out and never see them again.” For the record, our squadron’s key spouses are awesome. As is my doctor. And my pastor.
Find a job that makes you feel good.
Yes, again, hysterical laughter. You know what’s hard to keep when you move every two years? A job. Any job. Especially one that makes you feel good. Kiss this suggestion goodbye. By the time we’ve determined if it’s a job that suits, we’re about ready to put in our two weeks notice.
Take on what you can handle.
Yes, because I can totally handle moves and deployments and TDYs and emotional kids and squadron needs and ever-changing school requirements and leaving a spotless house every time we move and…. No, wait, I can’t. So again: let’s just opt out on all the things I can’t handle. Hold up… that’s not an option either. So basically: probably going to ignore this one.
That’s not to say, “Say yes to all the things!” but it is to say: You’re going to handle way more in life than you think you can handle. This is a miracle. Say thank you.
Let go of grudges and anger.
Yes. But it’s also okay to feel that anger first before you kick it to the curb. It’s okay to be angry for the spouse whose husband abused her. It’s okay to be angry when your husband is lied about when you know he did the right thing. It’s okay to be angry that you’re having to do the impossible again. But then let it go.
Emma Churchman is right: the grudges and the anger aren’t making this any easier.
Stop reliving your past.
Even if the last base was the best, you’re probably not going back there, and if you miraculously do get sent back, it won’t be the same. Fair enough.
Don’t complain about things you can’t change.
Also legit. And, boy, do some of us do this. We complain about our squadrons. We complain about base housing. We complain about Security Forces giving us a ticket (don’t they have anything better to do?). We then complain about speeding in housing (what is Security Forces even doing?!). We complain about the programs the Force Support Squadron isn’t offering (then we don’t bother to show up to support the ones they do). We complain about base leadership. We complain about the new generation of Airmen. We complain when our spouses are home. We complain when they’re not.
Stop complaining! As the genie in Aladdin says: “It’s not a pretty picture! I don’t like doing it!” Except some of us evidently really do like doing it.
Stop living through other people’s lives.
This is another one: fair enough. I didn’t get those lives. I got this one. I didn’t get the life that lets me build decade deep, in person friendships. I didn’t get the one where my kids have grown up in the same house with their heights ticking upward along one wall. I didn’t get the one where half of my closet isn’t taken over by fatigues. And those lives have their own stressors too, even if I don’t always see them. But I got this life. And even if it has its challenges, it’s a great life.
And that brings me to the end of my rebuttal. But let’s not stop there (because is this post long enough yet? NEVER.). I don’t want to just say, “These things don’t work for us,” without saying, “Try this, it might.” (Although please note, some of her suggestions do apply.)
This is a very old picture, but imagine my face telling you to hang in there and keep reading. Also, the Man is sad he lost those sneakers in the hurricane.
To begin, my mom reminded me the other day that “stress is what’s outside of us affecting us.” And for many of us, there is no way to limit those outside stressors. This week, I had to spend time on the phone working through medical referrals for two different kids. I had to go up to the Med Group and sit through an appointment and X-rays that I didn’t want to deal with. I had multiple surprises to my schedule that I had to deal with. I had discipline issues with my kids that couldn’t be put off. We don’t always get to pick the things that are outside of us that are affecting us. Sometimes we just have to roll with the punches.
The first and simplest choice we can make, though, is to limit any additional stimulation. Note that I said stimulation, not stress. If there’s a way to get your house clean, get it there. If you can choose to drive in silence right now, do so. If you have 30 free seconds, go in a dark room or close your eyes. Get those dirty diapers out of your house, and don’t believe your youngest son when he tells you that the girls say his room smells because “We are men, and they are women, and we smell different.” Sometimes the reduction in stimuli can actually help us to manage the stress a little more effectively. It seems silly, but experience proves it to be true.
Second, your community is your safety net. There is a crap ton (that is a legitimate unit of measurement) on my plate this year. My people have come alongside me and filled in my gaps. I sincerely hope I’m doing the same for them. Our kids are in and out of each other’s houses every afternoon. I don’t hesitate to ask when I need back up. And I don’t hesitate to offer when I can give back up—whether that’s taking someone’s kids or bringing someone a meal or offering up my children on the altar of pet sitting. In seasons of stress, sometimes we just spread out our arms and let ourselves free fall into the net that is the also spread out arms of our friends. We’ve got them, and they’ve got us. And we’ll get each other through.
Third, remember: these tough seasons are not forever, they’re just for now. And yeah, sometimes they bleed into each other. The year the Man had the job of never ending travel, we went straight into a move. We got settled and then BOOM hurricane. Then we had to go through the evacuation and then settling into an RV and then… And it felt like it would never end. But it did. And as we go through seasons like this, we learn, and we grow, and our ability to deal with tough things increases. These stressors aren’t forever; they’re just for now—and they are teaching and growing and strengthening us. As much as they suck. And sometimes they really do suck.
Lastly, we’re not alone. God walks through the difficult with us. This is comfort only if we choose for it to be, only if we allow our faith to bring us into His presence. God walks with us, and He is worth trusting. That is true whether or not we allow it to comfort us. And honestly, if we learn this lesson—to walk with God and to trust Him completely—isn’t a little stress worth it?
To conclude this ridiculously long blog post: the stress isn’t going anywhere, and it may very well get worse (sorrynotsorry—I’m telling it like it is). And what works for a normal human being with a normal life, may not work for you. There is no such thing as a stress free life. If you are stress free, you’re dead. Again: just being honest. But stress doesn’t have to have the final say.
Look at you, military spouse. Look at you, special needs mom. Look at you, cross-cultural adventurer. The stress may have given you wrinkles, but it’s also given you the opportunity to shine brighter.
Don’t make a stress free life your goal. What a waste that would be. The stress is challenging, and there will be days you feel like you’re drowning in it. Do what you can to manage it well, but keep making the goal to draw closer to Christ and to love his people well…and let the rest of the chips fall where they may.
Here, we take a deep breath together. Collectively. As a community. We may not “got this”, but we’ve got each other, and God’s got us. And God’s got this.
